The SF Egotist Holiday Guide

Tired of people stealing your pens? Want something that's distinctive, indestructible and cool as hell? Check out the Smith & Wesson Tactical Pen ($26.50).

It's made of solid aircraft aluminum, has a great weighty balance to it, and if a client or account person pisses you off, you can stab them in the brain through their temple. Seriously.

Everyone's got an iPhone. And you don't want to be like everyone. So make it cool as hell by going retro - with the Boombox skin from Gelaskins ($11.96).

It covers the front, back and sides and comes off without any residue. Plus, you won't have to use any bulky case.

Copywriters always love a good quote. And now you can have it while saving the planet (or something like that.)

The "Read the Fine Print" water bottle ($24) is an eye-catching BPA-free bottle from SIGG. Made from a single piece of aluminum, it's ultra-lightweight yet rugged and crack-resistant. To minimize unwanted tastes and scents, the inside is lined with a water-based, non-toxic epoxy resin that exceeds FDA leaching requirements.

Designers and Art Directors - looking for something to wear to the award show? How about these PANTONE cufflinks ($67).

They come in 18 PANTONE-specific colors so you can find a pair that'll match your vintage Japanese sneaker collection perfectly.

You've pulled an all-nighter. You've been eating nothing but Chipotle burritos all week. And the client is coming in 20 minutes. Time for Instant Underpants ($3.50).

These underpants are conveniently compressed into a compact pellet. Just soak them with water momentarily and they’ll loosen up so that you can pull them apart! And remember, it's better to have damp underpants than no underpants at all! Each 2-1/2" round tin contains one pellet of disposable unisex underpants.

So you've finally moved up to the big time - an office. Now what? You could put up your collection of Radiohead concert posters, but that's so... junior art director.

Go old school with Atari Asteroids wall decals ($34.99 - $44.99).

They go with anything, can work on large or small walls, and show you know your vintage video games.

You wear t-shirts to work every day. But we hate to tell you, we're getting tired of that one. You know, THAT one you wear every single Monday. Why not subscribe to the Threadless Monthly T-shirt Club ($272 for 12 tees).

Threadless does the coolest shirts in the world and you'll be in line for a new limited edition one each month. Get on it and retire that old favorite shirt, or at least keep it for special occasions.

Comm Arts, Print Mag, Creativity - we get all these already. Branch out into something every Joe Designer doesn't already get - like .Net Magazine ($124.99/yr).

It's the world's best-selling magazine for web designers and developers. As well as a host of great features, .net magazine also boasts more than 30 pages of tutorials each issue, covering topics such as CSS, PHP, Flash, JavaScript, web graphics, and more - all written by contributors from some of the world’s biggest design agencies.

How tired are you of the moleskin notebooks? We mean, they're durable and all, but the second the IT guys started sporting them, it was time to start looking for something cooler to keep your ideas in.

Enter Field Notes ($9.95). You get three 48-page books plus some other free schwag and you'll never have to guess which notebook is yours when you leave it in the conference room.

Kerning is a dying art. Now you can give the middle finger to the auto-kern function and show you know your craft with this Kern sweatshirt ($69). Or copywriters, wear it to get on your art director's good side.

The Smith & Wesson tactical pen not quite your taste? Well you should still have something distinctive to write with. Try this GAMA-GO Yeti Forest Floati Pen ($5). Not into the Yeti? They've got five other designs to choose from.

Don't put your beer on that wood desk! Didn't your mother ever teach you some manners? Keep the water rings off the furniture with the 45 RPM Record Coasters ($11.99).

Enjoy this set of four silicone record coasters every time you're drinking your favorite hit beverage. Washable and dishwasher safe, these coasters will put a new spin on protecting your furniture.

Too young to remember what a record is? Fuck off.

Tea. Picked by real monkeys. Do we need to say anything more?

No one has a physical portfolio anymore - everyone's just got a website. And that means it's time to zig while everyone zags with a kick ass woodgrain book ($171).

While everyone else says "Can I get on your wireless and show you my work?", you'll be pulling out (and standing out with) a gorgeous, real, printed portfolio. Advantage you.

Looking to add a combination of pop culture and class to your home or office wall? Get this hand-painted oil painting featuring the Dramatic Chipmunk ($38.99) - the star of one of the most popular videos on YouTube. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and join the million of people who have reveled in the brilliance of this seminal piece of internet history.

Each work of art is hand-painted on canvas and set in an 11" x 13" gold colored frame.

Tired of your company's slow old computers? Experience the blazing speeds of SSD without ripping open your laptop with the Iomega SSD Flash Drive ($230-$750). Available in capacities of 64-256GB, these svelte external drives offer max read speeds of 265MB/s, maximum write speeds of 215MB/s, 256-bit hardware encryption, and data transfer rates of up to 5Gbits/s over USB 3.0.

You've always wanted a Marshall Amp for that imaginary band you've dreamed of starting. But since you'll never really have time for that, do the next best thing - rock out with the new Marshall headphones ($99).

They've got an awesome, classic design but are state-of-the-art and will have no problem destroying your ear drums all day long.

We've shown a few pens for copywriters, now here's one for the art directors - the Sharpie Liquid Pencil ($5.09 for two).

It writes as smooth as a pen, but is erasable like a pencil for a few days. Then it becomes permanent like a pen again. Don't ask us how they do it. Just buy some and try it.

All the UI guys we know work directly on the computer, but in case you want to hand-draw your specs, these UI Stencils ($24.99) are the way to do it.

They offer a few different metal stencils for all your user interaction needs.

Admit it. You're a hack. But don't try and hide the fact that you get all your concepts from award show books - celebrate it with the "Even My Ideas Are Recycled" notebook ($7.99).

Looking for the perfect office speaker to annoy your co-workers with? The Jambox ($200) is a portable Bluetooth speaker pumping out 85 great-sounding decibels and featuring an integrated rechargeable Lithium-ion battery.

Know a woman who is just dying for more Twitter followers? These "Follow Me" stockings ($28) might be right up her alley.

What better way to express your eternal, undying love than with a sterling silver pearl necklace ($420)... that is "an accurate representation of semen." Yes, you read that right.

Gary Taxali has just released an exclusive line of retro wooden toys that feature his illustrations, colorways and collectible packaging. Available for purchase here (for a ridiculously low price) for all those good girls and boys. (Thanks to The Denver Egotist for this one.)

Late night out? A little hung over at work and feel like you just want to be asleep on the couch? Well, dress for success with the Pajama Jeans ($39.95) - but that comes with a free grey crewneck tee! Woo hoo! Thanks to The Boston Egotist for the tip.

The Official High Times Pot Smoker's Activity Book ($12). Posted without comment. Mostly because we're too wasted to think of one. Thanks to The Boston Egotist for this one, too.

Tired of boring log burning this holiday season? A Spare the Air Day screwing your fireplace plans? Try Festive Inferno. ($9.99) Courtesy of The Toronto Egotist.

What's Christmas without Santa riding a bike or an ironic ugly sweater? You can get both from Twin Six ($22 and $28). Courtesy of The Minneapolis Egotist.

Of course once you buy all this great stuff, you'll need something to wrap it in. Sure, you could cop out and drop it in a festive bag, add some tissue paper and be done. But if you're going to go all out, check out these two options.

There's Tweet Wrap, which lets you make custom wrapping paper from your very own Tweets. And if that wasn't tech geeky enough for you, there's QRapping Paper ($19.99). Just point your phone at one of the 50 different QR codes and get a little holiday video in addition to your present.